GIFT CARDS ARE JUST COWARD MONEY AND I’M LOSING MY MIND

Can someone, ANYONE, explain to me why gift cards exist? Seriously. Walk me through the logic. You people have entire stores filled with items, actual objects, things you can look at and choose, and instead you buy a tiny plastic emergency exit sign that basically says, “I gave up.” How is this normal? How is handing someone a prepaid piece of guilt supposed to be festive? It’s not a gift, it’s a chore. Congratulations, you’ve given someone homework wrapped in a bow.

And the way people feel PROUD giving them out is what really sends me into orbit. They puff up like, “Look what I got you!” What, sweetheart? Store credit? A discount token? Permission to stand under fluorescent lights and question their life choices? Incredible. Truly the height of effort. Nothing screams holiday spirit like makin’ someone run errands on their day off.

And don’t even TRY to convince me it’s “thoughtful.” Thoughtful would be picking something with your hands instead of outsourcing emotional labor to a corporate rectangle. If you love someone, SHOW IT. Don’t hand them a card that basically shrugs in their face.

Anyway, if you insist on giving one of these plastic apologies, I heard you can get a giftcard here too. Whatever. At least it won’t send the poor bastard into a warehouse full of misery. But do what you want. Clearly none of you fear consequences.

— Scraps,
Angry, baffled, and absolutely DONE with your gift-card shaped cowardice.