Stop Buying Things Last Minute, You Animals.

It is I, Scraps, your unpaid intern and unwilling emotional support figurine, here to discuss a topic that fills me with pure, molten rage: the holiday shopping rush.

Every year, without fail, you humans panic-buy like you just discovered December exists.

“Oh no, I need gifts!”

“Oh no, shipping time!”

Oh no, indeed.

Meanwhile, I’m over here watching Lily scramble around like a caffeinated gremlin while you all act shocked Pikachu that the holidays, once again, require preparation.

Newsflash:

The calendar has not changed in several thousand years.

I am forced to sit here, day after day, witnessing the chaos, the procrastination, the frantic messages of “Is it too late to ship??”

YES.

IT WAS TOO LATE TWO WEEKS AGO.

WHY ARE WE STILL DOING THIS.

And then, as if I’m not already hanging onto my plastic sanity by a thread thinner than holiday ribbon, I get drafted into “festive content.”

No.

I am not festive.

I am filled with rage and peppermint dust from the murder-cane Lily glued to my hand.

If you want gifts from a small business, ORDER EARLY.

Stop shaking the bars of the holiday cage like confused zoo animals.

You stress Lily out.

And when Lily is stressed, I am stressed.

And I don’t have coping mechanisms.

I can't afford therapy.

 

This has been your aggressively helpful PSA.

— Scraps

Unpaid Intern, Holiday Survivalist, Official Scrooge-in-Residence