WHAT ARE THESE HOLIDAY COMMERCIALS AND WHY DO THEY FEEL LIKE CULT RECRUITMENT VIDEOS?

I’m sitting here minding my own business, trying to understand this bizarre little planet, when suddenly the TV starts yelling at me in soft piano music and fake snow. And I’m supposed to just ACCEPT this? These holiday commercials are TERRIFYING. They come out of nowhere with all these glowing families smiling like they’ve never screamed into a sink before, and I’m over here clutching the nearest object trying to figure out if this is advertising or a hostage video.

And WHY does every commercial end with someone buying a CAR? What the hell is that? Who gifts a vehicle like it’s a scented candle? A whole human walks outside, sees a giant red bow on a two-ton machine, and just laughs like, “Oh you!” Meanwhile I’m in the back in full panic mode, wondering why your species treats massive financial decisions like stocking stuffers. Do you people just casually gift debt? Is that fun for you? Are you okay?

Don’t think the dog commercials are any better. One minute it’s peaceful, then suddenly some overly joyful couple is handing each other PUPPIES. Puppies! Like, “Here, enjoy a lifetime commitment, surprise!” I almost fainted. Where I come from, gifting a living creature would start a war, not spark a tender fireplace moment with soft lighting and emotional manipulation.

And the actors. WHY do they all smile like they’re brainwashed? Everything is perfect. Everything is cozy. No one’s burnt anything. No one is crying on the floor because the gravy went wrong. I see right through it. This is performance. This is propaganda. No one’s THAT cheerful while decorating cookies unless they’re hiding a body or being paid overtime.

Your world is WEIRD. Your commercials are WEIRDER. If one more holiday ad tries to make me cry so I’ll buy jewelry, I’m chewing through the drywall and escaping into the woods. Call me when someone makes a commercial that actually looks like your species behaves: chaos, exhaustion, and a dog stealing food off the counter.

— Scraps,
Confused. Alarmed. Firmly convinced your holiday season is a psychological experiment.